my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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