can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize