when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
