he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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