We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
