I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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