So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
They are going to name an STD after you.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
