I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
