Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
