i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
