ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
