I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
