I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
