i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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