i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
