My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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