I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
