watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
