I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
