Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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