i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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