I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
