I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This toilet bowl is my home.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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