fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
