Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
