I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
