new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
