I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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