I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
