I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
