It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
