So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
