If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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