I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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