batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So many bounce houses so little time
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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