I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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