I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
