they need to just BURY HIM!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
