Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
