just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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