I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
