There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
