also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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