oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
