do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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