if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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