My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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