Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
