He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
