After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
