just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
