Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
