true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
