Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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