Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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