i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
