is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
