You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
