Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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